We have been trying for 4 months now to conceive a sibling for our little boy Justin. I have talked with him about this on multiple occasions. In my journal I have written to him explaining that no one will ever replace him and the love we have for him. He is and will always be our first born little boy. I will never forget the soft touch of his skin and the sweet button nose like his father's.
After losing Justin we thought about our family and when we should begin the journey towards parenthood again. Scared that another pregnancy might end in tragedy, we decided what is more important is that we love each other and want to be parents. We would try again when the time seems right. We thought maybe around August or September would be a good time to try.
Well if anyone knows me well enough, they will also know that I am a very impatient person. I want to be a mother and hold my child in my arms more than anything. I live for that feeling again. So we decided to start trying for another baby in May. After a few months of unsuccessful attempts, I began to worry that something may be wrong with my body. I also thought maybe it's just too soon for us. Maybe Justin isn't ready to share our attention.
I decided to purchase some ovulation kits to help me with my cycle. After I purchased these kits I went to the cemetery and sat down with Justin and reassured him that no matter what I am going to love him just as much as I do now...and I always will. I asked him if he could please send down his little sibling. I told him that he's had enough time to play with them and now it's Mommy and Daddy's turn to play. One day we will all play together again.
It is now August. The month we originally thought we would begin to try and conceive our second child. Justin's tree is proudly displayed in our front yard. I will be placing some of his trucks for him to play with here at home.
I used the ovulation kits. I realized that I have been ovulating later than I originally thought. Included with the ovulation kits were some home pregnancy tests. On Wednesday (I told you I was impatient), I took a test. It unfortunately came up negative. I continued with my day. Each morning I would take my temperature making sure that it was going up indicating a pregnancy. Thursday I began feeling sick. People around me were saying they didn't feel well either. I thought for sure I was getting a stomach bug.
Friday morning I decided to take another test. I peed in a cup, dipped the test in the urine and took a shower. As I opened the shower curtain I could only see one dark line (two lines indicate a pregnancy). I said to Justin "come on Justin, don't you want Mommy to be happy again." I stepped out of the shower and looked down at the test. One line is all I saw. I sighed and held the test up to my face. As I squinted I saw a shadow of another line.
"Could this be my eyes playing a cruel trick on me!" I thought. I called Jeff and told him that I thought I saw another line. He grew ecstatic over the phone. I decided to take another test before leaving for work. But of course I didn't have much urine left since I had just gone to the bathroom. So I dipped the test strip in the tiny bit of urine I had. I had to leave for work at this time, so I took the test with me in the car to read the results. Sure enough a second line came up!
I waited until Saturday to take a First Response Early Result test. Once again two lines came up. So we are happy to announce today we are exactly 4 weeks pregnant with baby #2.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Justin Zachary Richards enters the world
Every so often a tragedy occurs to someone. Something so devastating that others don't know how to react. Something so horrific that the person has to relearn how to live all over again in their "NEW" life. I have lived through a tragedy that is identical to this situation. I am still working on reaching the other side. I am still working on getting use to my "NEW" life.
My story begins back in June of 2008. My husband Jeff and I were so excited to announce we were having our first child. We were actually having the first grandchild for both sides of the family. We went to our first appointment and heard the strong heart beat. 163 beats per minute. "Could it be a girl?" I wondered. I tried to remember what the myths are: higher heart beats being girls and lower ones being boys.
The months followed. The appointments went flawlessly. Each time the babies heartbeat was around 150-160. On September 2, 2008 we were able to see our little bean growing on the ultra sound screen. We saw the arms and legs kicking. I tried to see if I could get a peek between the legs. It was still a little to soon for that.
October 15, 2008, we went in for another ultra sound. They tech measured all the body parts. The baby was kicking and rolling all over inside of me. After about 45 minutes I finally said, "Well are you going to tell us what the baby is." I thought at one point I saw a sign of a boy. Sure enough the tech said, "There's definitely a little boy in there." We were so excited to know the gender of our first child. We were going to have a little Jeff. Now we had to start thinking of names.
The months passed. My belly grew. The baby grew. We thought of a name. Justin Zachary was chosen for his name. We wanted a name that started with "J" so he could be a "little JR" just like his daddy.
In February we had our baby shower. Our house was filled with little boy clothes and anything a baby needed to feel secure and loved. I spent my nights sitting on the floor with my big pregnant belly putting together swings and strollers and toys of all kinds. I would come home from work and empty the cabinets and closets and clean all night. I wanted everything to be perfect when our son came home.
When I wasn't busy cleaning I was sitting on the couch with my video camera taping Justin's movements in my stomach. As he would kick and roll my stomach would bounce and roll with him.
Tuesday March 10, 2009- My due date. I went for my 40 week appointment. Jeff had gone to every single one with me except for this one. I went in the morning before work. Everything was great. Justin's heart beat was 153. I was just beginning to dilate. I tried to get the doctor to induce me. He told me "No we will wait until the 17th. If you haven't had the baby by then, we will talk about inducing you". Now if you have ever been pregnant before, this is not what you want to hear when you are so excited to have a baby. But I accepted what I was told and went to work. This was my last day of work. I was to start my maternity leave when I left that day.
Wednesday March 11, 2009. I woke up early as usual. I was uncomfortable. I decided to try and bounce on a yoga ball. I thought maybe that would help things move along. I even bought a whole entire pineapple and ate it thinking this would kick start labor. Nothing happened. I stayed pregnant. Around 8:00 pm I noticed that my stomach was tight and hard. I thought to myself, "maybe I'm going into labor." I posted to my online friends asking what it means when your stomach tightens up and doesn't release. Not many knew what to think of it. I took a shower and sat on the couch. Justin was moving but very little. I thought maybe he was settling into position for labor.
Thursday March 12, 2009- The day my life changed forever. Jeff got up at 4:00 am. He left for work around 4:30. He leaned in the bed and gave me a kiss. He said to me, "If you need anything call me within the next hour so I can get to you in time." I decided after he walked out the door to go to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom I noticed that my stomach was still tight. I wiped and noticed some blood. Immediately blood rushed to my face and I could feel the heat my nerves. "This was it!" I thought. I was going into labor. I immediately called Jeff and told him. He told me to call the doctors and ask them what to do.
I dialed the number for the doctor. She answered in a groggy voice as I probably woke her up being 4:45 am. I told her that my stomach was tight and I noticed some blood when I went to the bathroom. She asked me if I had felt the baby move. I couldn't remember feeling him move at all that morning. She said she didn't understand what I meant by having a tight stomach. So she told me to do some kick counts and call her if I didn't get 10 within the hour. I called Jeff and told him what she said. He decided to come home. On his way home he went to get a coffee for him and a muffin for me. Then I called my mother and told her what was happening. She decided to come stay with me. I jumped into the shower. I wasn't getting any movements. I sat on the couch and poked at my belly. Nothing was happening. So I called the doctor back and told her that I wanted to come in for a non stress test.
My mom showed up just as Jeff got home. He wanted to take a shower thinking we wouldn't be coming home for a few days. We put the bag in the car and left for the hospital. As we drove there my heart started to race more and more. I began to have contractions every few minutes. Not bad contractions, but enough to know they were there and coming.
6:30am- We arrive at the hospital. I thought for sure they were going to send us home. I figured the doctors would say that I was in early labor and to go home and come back when the contractions are closer together. We had to go through the emergency room entrance since it was before 7:00 am. The labor and delivery nurses knew I was on my way up. I walked up with a smile on my face, excited to meet my son soon. I went up to the desk and told them who I was. They immediately brought me to a room and handed me a gown and a bag for my clothes that said "Patient Belongings". I was starting to get jittery at this point. Anxious to know if I was in labor. I laid down on the bed. The nurse covered up my legs with the blanket and lifted up my gown exposing my baby bump (well I should say baby mountain). She squirted the cold jelly onto my stomach and put the doppler on it. I listened for the ever so pleasant sound of Justin's heart beat that I had heard just two days before. She moved the doppler all over my stomach searching for the sound. She said to me, "I'm having a hard time, I think your baby might be hiding on me." As she said that my fears started to arise. It never took any time to find his heart beat. He was taking up my whole belly, where could he possibly hide. She called in another nurse to try to find his heart beat. She did the same thing. Pushing down on my stomach moving the doppler all around searching for the spot.
After a few minutes of using the doppler they decided to try another one. They brought it into the room and put it on my stomach and started the search again. All I could hear was the fuzzy blank sound from the doppler. After a few minutes of excrutiating silence they decided to call up the ultrasound tech to search for my baby's heart beat. At this point I was feeling hopeless. I knew something was wrong and no one was telling me. They brought in a machine to display my son. I watched as they searched for his heart beat on the screen. The doctor came in and tried herself. She searched and searched. She said at one point, "This doesn't seem like a good machine, go get a different one." I was wondering why they weren't telling me. Why were they witholding the information from me that Justin's little heart was no longer beating.
The next machine came in the room. The doctor stepped forward and started another search. I couldn't look over my should at the screen. Jeff stood by my side. My mom sat in a chair at the end of my bed. I gripped Jeff's hand as I stared at the doctors face. Examining her eyes. Watching them well up and fill with tears. Watching the dread come accross her face. Watching the blood drain from her face as the paleness came accross. "Just say it." I said to her as 2 nurses, 1 ultrasound tech, Jeff, and my mom sat in the room with me.
"I'm sorry Casey." Those words will never leave my mind. The sound of her voice. The look in her face. She had to tell her patient that their son was dead. I had to hear it from her. I had to listen to her tell me my son's heart was no longer beating. Jeff had to hold my hand and learn the fact that his little boy would never play drums with him. My mother had to listen to the doctor tell her only daughter that her very first grandbaby wasn't going to come and have sleep overs at her house.
Immediate shock flowed through my body. I cried dry tears as I shook uncontrollably. The doctor and nurses left the room to give us some time to let the news settle in. They gave us the option of going home, but told us we could stay as long as we wanted. (Going home was not an option for me, I wasn't going anywhere). I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered about bouncing on the yoga ball. Did I bounce to hard? Did I damage the placenta? What have I done?
My mom left the room, I assume to call family members and inform them to what has become. Two doctors came in the room and see how I was. The one who realized Justin had left us and the one who would soon deliver him into this world, forever leaving my body. I told the doctors that I was having contractions. That I wasn't going to leave and go home. People started to show up. Jeff's parents walked in the room with tears in their eyes. My dad and stepmom came in experiencing the same symptoms. Other's flowed in all red faced and crying for the loss of little Justin who was so wanted and so anticipated.
The doctor wanted to do an amnio on me to see if they could find out what has happened. They prepped me by spreading a sponge full of blue soap all over my stomach. Immediately following they stuck me with a needle that looked larger then my arm. My lifeless baby was displayed on the screen as they tried not to hit his body with the needle. I cramp over came me as my stomach tighten with the procedure. The tube filled with brown amniotic fluid. I knew that wasn't right. I asked if it wasn't right. Something had gone terribly wrong and I wanted to know what.
The room became so full of people that they decided to move me down the hall to a bigger room closer to the waiting room. I don't remember the walk down the hall. But I remember sitting on the freshly made bed. As I sat down on the bed I felt a gush of warm water pour out of my body. My water broke in front of everyone spilling all over the bed. I was getting closer to having my baby. My body was preparing for delivery.
The nurse made everyone leave the room and I was able to freshen up. When I got back into bed she strapped a machine to me to see if I was having contractions and how far apart they were. She told me that they were about every 2-3 minutes and I was about 5 centimeters dilated. Once I was all set everyone was allowed back into the room.
The room had an odd silence to it. All I could hear was the occasional sniff. Other women were giving birth to living healthy babies that day. I could hear the horrible sound (horrible to me at least) of the lullaby that played through the hospital intercom and the screams of a baby born just recently into this world. Each time I would hear this my heart would sink deeper and deeper into my chest. We turned the tv on. It was wrestling. It wasn't to watch, just to drown out the sound of happy families all around us.
My contractions increased as the hours went on. They became more intense. The nurses tried to feed my Cheerios. I couldn't eat at a time like this. I couldn't do anything but wish I wasn't me. I told them that I wanted an epidural. If it was a different situation and I was delivering a healthy living child I would try to endure the pain. But my pain was so severe from just finding out he was no longer alive inside me I didn't care to feel more. The nurses thought that was ok for me to do and they agreed to help me. They told me I would need to have an IV before for at least a half hour to get some fluids into me. Well that was a task in itself. Needle after needle, nurse after nurse. No one could get the IV into my arm. I had over 7 puncture wounds and 4 people try to do it. After an hour they finally called the IV team up to help. They had to use the smallest needle possible to get the IV in my arm. "Does this hurt?" The nurse asked me. "No." I said as I breathed through another contraction pushing my son out into this world. Eventually the epidural was placed into my back and my contractions were eased off.
Each time the doctor checked me I was dilated more. 8 centimeters by 5 o'clock. "Your baby should be here by 9." one nurse told me, as if it was something to look forward to. Family and friends were in and out of our room on a constant basis. They would leave when it got to hard to bare the site of what was happening. They were able to go get some fresh air, as I layed there in labor with no escape unable to move my legs.
The pressure was so intense. The epidural wasn't masking the pain anymore. I told Jeff that the baby was coming out and he was doing so then. I could feel it, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. They cleared out our room once again and for the last time before Justin was to arrive. I was checked at 10 centimeters. It was time for me to push my son out. Time for me to do what I dreaded so much. Time for Justin to leave me forever. Time for me to not be pregnant anymore. Time for motherhood and all the joys to escape my body.
I pushed for over 2 hours crying as he got closer. I was scared of what was going to happen. I was scared of what he would look like. I was scared of the pain I was feeling. I was hoping and wishing and praying to God that he would be alive and cry when he came out. That just maybe the doctors made a mistake and he was still alive. That my little boy would be coming home with us after all. I was in denial of the heartache I was enduring. I felt as if I failed myself, my husband, and my son.
9:29pm- Justin Zachary Richards was born into this world as an angel. He is so perfect in every way. I immediately asked for him to be handed to me. He still had the cord attach to his belly. He was swollen, limp, and lifeless. Not what a baby should look like. I wanted him to cry. I begged him to cry. And then I saw it...the knot. There was a perfect knot in his umbilical cord. It wasn't a tight not, but it was there. The doctors said it happens a lot and babies are fine. But why wasn't my baby fine?
Justin is so amazing. He has hair that is long, dark, and wavy like his daddy. He had fingers that were long like his mommy. A perfect replica of a button nose that resembled his dad in every way. He was everything that a mother could have dreamed of in her child. Except for one thing, he wasn't awake...he wasn't alive...and he didn't cry. I never heard those first amazing sounds that come out of a baby each parent dreams of hearing.
After tests were done, nothing was found to provide us with reason to Justin's death. The fluid was brown from meconium (when the baby poops inside the womb). The knot showed no evidence of ever being tightened. There was absolutely no placental abruption. So we are at a loss to what really happened. We tell people it was the knot. Even though no one knows it's all we have to hold onto.
March 12, 2009 at 9:29 pm weighing 8lbs 13 oz 22inches long, Justin Zachary was born into this world as angel to look after his parents, family, and friends.
It is my job to make sure that his life never is forgotten. His life is full of meaning in so many ways. I am here to show those ways. Justin is known by so many people all over the world. His tiny feet have touched so many hearts. He has a purpose and I will show the world his purpose.
Love to all,
Casey - Mommy to Justin
My story begins back in June of 2008. My husband Jeff and I were so excited to announce we were having our first child. We were actually having the first grandchild for both sides of the family. We went to our first appointment and heard the strong heart beat. 163 beats per minute. "Could it be a girl?" I wondered. I tried to remember what the myths are: higher heart beats being girls and lower ones being boys.
The months followed. The appointments went flawlessly. Each time the babies heartbeat was around 150-160. On September 2, 2008 we were able to see our little bean growing on the ultra sound screen. We saw the arms and legs kicking. I tried to see if I could get a peek between the legs. It was still a little to soon for that.
October 15, 2008, we went in for another ultra sound. They tech measured all the body parts. The baby was kicking and rolling all over inside of me. After about 45 minutes I finally said, "Well are you going to tell us what the baby is." I thought at one point I saw a sign of a boy. Sure enough the tech said, "There's definitely a little boy in there." We were so excited to know the gender of our first child. We were going to have a little Jeff. Now we had to start thinking of names.
The months passed. My belly grew. The baby grew. We thought of a name. Justin Zachary was chosen for his name. We wanted a name that started with "J" so he could be a "little JR" just like his daddy.
In February we had our baby shower. Our house was filled with little boy clothes and anything a baby needed to feel secure and loved. I spent my nights sitting on the floor with my big pregnant belly putting together swings and strollers and toys of all kinds. I would come home from work and empty the cabinets and closets and clean all night. I wanted everything to be perfect when our son came home.
When I wasn't busy cleaning I was sitting on the couch with my video camera taping Justin's movements in my stomach. As he would kick and roll my stomach would bounce and roll with him.
Tuesday March 10, 2009- My due date. I went for my 40 week appointment. Jeff had gone to every single one with me except for this one. I went in the morning before work. Everything was great. Justin's heart beat was 153. I was just beginning to dilate. I tried to get the doctor to induce me. He told me "No we will wait until the 17th. If you haven't had the baby by then, we will talk about inducing you". Now if you have ever been pregnant before, this is not what you want to hear when you are so excited to have a baby. But I accepted what I was told and went to work. This was my last day of work. I was to start my maternity leave when I left that day.
Wednesday March 11, 2009. I woke up early as usual. I was uncomfortable. I decided to try and bounce on a yoga ball. I thought maybe that would help things move along. I even bought a whole entire pineapple and ate it thinking this would kick start labor. Nothing happened. I stayed pregnant. Around 8:00 pm I noticed that my stomach was tight and hard. I thought to myself, "maybe I'm going into labor." I posted to my online friends asking what it means when your stomach tightens up and doesn't release. Not many knew what to think of it. I took a shower and sat on the couch. Justin was moving but very little. I thought maybe he was settling into position for labor.
Thursday March 12, 2009- The day my life changed forever. Jeff got up at 4:00 am. He left for work around 4:30. He leaned in the bed and gave me a kiss. He said to me, "If you need anything call me within the next hour so I can get to you in time." I decided after he walked out the door to go to the bathroom. When I went to the bathroom I noticed that my stomach was still tight. I wiped and noticed some blood. Immediately blood rushed to my face and I could feel the heat my nerves. "This was it!" I thought. I was going into labor. I immediately called Jeff and told him. He told me to call the doctors and ask them what to do.
I dialed the number for the doctor. She answered in a groggy voice as I probably woke her up being 4:45 am. I told her that my stomach was tight and I noticed some blood when I went to the bathroom. She asked me if I had felt the baby move. I couldn't remember feeling him move at all that morning. She said she didn't understand what I meant by having a tight stomach. So she told me to do some kick counts and call her if I didn't get 10 within the hour. I called Jeff and told him what she said. He decided to come home. On his way home he went to get a coffee for him and a muffin for me. Then I called my mother and told her what was happening. She decided to come stay with me. I jumped into the shower. I wasn't getting any movements. I sat on the couch and poked at my belly. Nothing was happening. So I called the doctor back and told her that I wanted to come in for a non stress test.
My mom showed up just as Jeff got home. He wanted to take a shower thinking we wouldn't be coming home for a few days. We put the bag in the car and left for the hospital. As we drove there my heart started to race more and more. I began to have contractions every few minutes. Not bad contractions, but enough to know they were there and coming.
6:30am- We arrive at the hospital. I thought for sure they were going to send us home. I figured the doctors would say that I was in early labor and to go home and come back when the contractions are closer together. We had to go through the emergency room entrance since it was before 7:00 am. The labor and delivery nurses knew I was on my way up. I walked up with a smile on my face, excited to meet my son soon. I went up to the desk and told them who I was. They immediately brought me to a room and handed me a gown and a bag for my clothes that said "Patient Belongings". I was starting to get jittery at this point. Anxious to know if I was in labor. I laid down on the bed. The nurse covered up my legs with the blanket and lifted up my gown exposing my baby bump (well I should say baby mountain). She squirted the cold jelly onto my stomach and put the doppler on it. I listened for the ever so pleasant sound of Justin's heart beat that I had heard just two days before. She moved the doppler all over my stomach searching for the sound. She said to me, "I'm having a hard time, I think your baby might be hiding on me." As she said that my fears started to arise. It never took any time to find his heart beat. He was taking up my whole belly, where could he possibly hide. She called in another nurse to try to find his heart beat. She did the same thing. Pushing down on my stomach moving the doppler all around searching for the spot.
After a few minutes of using the doppler they decided to try another one. They brought it into the room and put it on my stomach and started the search again. All I could hear was the fuzzy blank sound from the doppler. After a few minutes of excrutiating silence they decided to call up the ultrasound tech to search for my baby's heart beat. At this point I was feeling hopeless. I knew something was wrong and no one was telling me. They brought in a machine to display my son. I watched as they searched for his heart beat on the screen. The doctor came in and tried herself. She searched and searched. She said at one point, "This doesn't seem like a good machine, go get a different one." I was wondering why they weren't telling me. Why were they witholding the information from me that Justin's little heart was no longer beating.
The next machine came in the room. The doctor stepped forward and started another search. I couldn't look over my should at the screen. Jeff stood by my side. My mom sat in a chair at the end of my bed. I gripped Jeff's hand as I stared at the doctors face. Examining her eyes. Watching them well up and fill with tears. Watching the dread come accross her face. Watching the blood drain from her face as the paleness came accross. "Just say it." I said to her as 2 nurses, 1 ultrasound tech, Jeff, and my mom sat in the room with me.
"I'm sorry Casey." Those words will never leave my mind. The sound of her voice. The look in her face. She had to tell her patient that their son was dead. I had to hear it from her. I had to listen to her tell me my son's heart was no longer beating. Jeff had to hold my hand and learn the fact that his little boy would never play drums with him. My mother had to listen to the doctor tell her only daughter that her very first grandbaby wasn't going to come and have sleep overs at her house.
Immediate shock flowed through my body. I cried dry tears as I shook uncontrollably. The doctor and nurses left the room to give us some time to let the news settle in. They gave us the option of going home, but told us we could stay as long as we wanted. (Going home was not an option for me, I wasn't going anywhere). I wondered what I did wrong. I wondered about bouncing on the yoga ball. Did I bounce to hard? Did I damage the placenta? What have I done?
My mom left the room, I assume to call family members and inform them to what has become. Two doctors came in the room and see how I was. The one who realized Justin had left us and the one who would soon deliver him into this world, forever leaving my body. I told the doctors that I was having contractions. That I wasn't going to leave and go home. People started to show up. Jeff's parents walked in the room with tears in their eyes. My dad and stepmom came in experiencing the same symptoms. Other's flowed in all red faced and crying for the loss of little Justin who was so wanted and so anticipated.
The doctor wanted to do an amnio on me to see if they could find out what has happened. They prepped me by spreading a sponge full of blue soap all over my stomach. Immediately following they stuck me with a needle that looked larger then my arm. My lifeless baby was displayed on the screen as they tried not to hit his body with the needle. I cramp over came me as my stomach tighten with the procedure. The tube filled with brown amniotic fluid. I knew that wasn't right. I asked if it wasn't right. Something had gone terribly wrong and I wanted to know what.
The room became so full of people that they decided to move me down the hall to a bigger room closer to the waiting room. I don't remember the walk down the hall. But I remember sitting on the freshly made bed. As I sat down on the bed I felt a gush of warm water pour out of my body. My water broke in front of everyone spilling all over the bed. I was getting closer to having my baby. My body was preparing for delivery.
The nurse made everyone leave the room and I was able to freshen up. When I got back into bed she strapped a machine to me to see if I was having contractions and how far apart they were. She told me that they were about every 2-3 minutes and I was about 5 centimeters dilated. Once I was all set everyone was allowed back into the room.
The room had an odd silence to it. All I could hear was the occasional sniff. Other women were giving birth to living healthy babies that day. I could hear the horrible sound (horrible to me at least) of the lullaby that played through the hospital intercom and the screams of a baby born just recently into this world. Each time I would hear this my heart would sink deeper and deeper into my chest. We turned the tv on. It was wrestling. It wasn't to watch, just to drown out the sound of happy families all around us.
My contractions increased as the hours went on. They became more intense. The nurses tried to feed my Cheerios. I couldn't eat at a time like this. I couldn't do anything but wish I wasn't me. I told them that I wanted an epidural. If it was a different situation and I was delivering a healthy living child I would try to endure the pain. But my pain was so severe from just finding out he was no longer alive inside me I didn't care to feel more. The nurses thought that was ok for me to do and they agreed to help me. They told me I would need to have an IV before for at least a half hour to get some fluids into me. Well that was a task in itself. Needle after needle, nurse after nurse. No one could get the IV into my arm. I had over 7 puncture wounds and 4 people try to do it. After an hour they finally called the IV team up to help. They had to use the smallest needle possible to get the IV in my arm. "Does this hurt?" The nurse asked me. "No." I said as I breathed through another contraction pushing my son out into this world. Eventually the epidural was placed into my back and my contractions were eased off.
Each time the doctor checked me I was dilated more. 8 centimeters by 5 o'clock. "Your baby should be here by 9." one nurse told me, as if it was something to look forward to. Family and friends were in and out of our room on a constant basis. They would leave when it got to hard to bare the site of what was happening. They were able to go get some fresh air, as I layed there in labor with no escape unable to move my legs.
The pressure was so intense. The epidural wasn't masking the pain anymore. I told Jeff that the baby was coming out and he was doing so then. I could feel it, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. They cleared out our room once again and for the last time before Justin was to arrive. I was checked at 10 centimeters. It was time for me to push my son out. Time for me to do what I dreaded so much. Time for Justin to leave me forever. Time for me to not be pregnant anymore. Time for motherhood and all the joys to escape my body.
I pushed for over 2 hours crying as he got closer. I was scared of what was going to happen. I was scared of what he would look like. I was scared of the pain I was feeling. I was hoping and wishing and praying to God that he would be alive and cry when he came out. That just maybe the doctors made a mistake and he was still alive. That my little boy would be coming home with us after all. I was in denial of the heartache I was enduring. I felt as if I failed myself, my husband, and my son.
9:29pm- Justin Zachary Richards was born into this world as an angel. He is so perfect in every way. I immediately asked for him to be handed to me. He still had the cord attach to his belly. He was swollen, limp, and lifeless. Not what a baby should look like. I wanted him to cry. I begged him to cry. And then I saw it...the knot. There was a perfect knot in his umbilical cord. It wasn't a tight not, but it was there. The doctors said it happens a lot and babies are fine. But why wasn't my baby fine?
Justin is so amazing. He has hair that is long, dark, and wavy like his daddy. He had fingers that were long like his mommy. A perfect replica of a button nose that resembled his dad in every way. He was everything that a mother could have dreamed of in her child. Except for one thing, he wasn't awake...he wasn't alive...and he didn't cry. I never heard those first amazing sounds that come out of a baby each parent dreams of hearing.
After tests were done, nothing was found to provide us with reason to Justin's death. The fluid was brown from meconium (when the baby poops inside the womb). The knot showed no evidence of ever being tightened. There was absolutely no placental abruption. So we are at a loss to what really happened. We tell people it was the knot. Even though no one knows it's all we have to hold onto.
March 12, 2009 at 9:29 pm weighing 8lbs 13 oz 22inches long, Justin Zachary was born into this world as angel to look after his parents, family, and friends.
It is my job to make sure that his life never is forgotten. His life is full of meaning in so many ways. I am here to show those ways. Justin is known by so many people all over the world. His tiny feet have touched so many hearts. He has a purpose and I will show the world his purpose.
Love to all,
Casey - Mommy to Justin
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